My Name, Dissected

My Name
September 5th 2012

There are too many things to say about my name. As someone who loves to talk about themselves and has a severe case of word vomit, this is particularly difficult considering I have a 600 word limit. However, I must try.

Let's start with my first name; Cordelia.
A name which immediately suggests several things to the average human. The first thing it suggests is that I have bitter parents who live vicariously through me because they were given painfully normal names like Amy and Michael. The unfortunate second, which I have often heard, is that I have a "porn star name." (I like to interpret this comment as meaning that my name is dramatic and easily captures the attention of those who hear it.) The third thing it brings to mind is not necessarily immediate. This is that my name comes from one of Shakespeare's great works; King Lear.

 This is were we begin to see a pattern. Drama and theatre have always been a large part of my life, and as my name would imply- a large part of my parents lives as well. My parents met as theatre managers, and both my parents are extremely well read in plays and literature. This comes as no surprise when looking at their educational background- my mother studied philosophy at Brown and went to graduate school at Columbia, my father studied English at Oxford and went to Yale Theatre School for graduate. My father was the ultimate chooser of my name, and the name says a great deal about our relationship.
"Cordelia"- the "good daughter" in the play King Lear. Even after being cast away by her foolish father, Cordelia awaited him in exile. She was the picture of loyalty and good nature.
Now, my father has never been the type to count his chickens before they hatch, but this was an embarrassing gamble on his part. The question was; would I live up to my name? Would I be a loyal and good natured daughter to my father, and just as importantly, my mother? I like to believe I do, for the most part. Some of my contemporaries would argue that my nature is far from "good." Actually, I have been told on numerous occasions that I am devious and fairly evil, and likened to a cold emotionless reptile. However, I doubt any of my peers would denounce my loyalty to my family. My love for my family is so obvious that it sickens certain friends (who will go unnamed, Sydney).

This is why I choose to embrace the implication of loyalty that my name gives, and not so much the good natured one. I don't want people to assume I'm nice because my name has a ring to it or is a metaphor in some dead guys play. I tend to think of my name as symbolic of familial duty as well as rather imperious sounding. As a family borne from England, imperious names are familiar to us. As you can tell by my style of writing and my tone, I tend also to convey an imperious attitude. I went from being dramatic and emotional as a child to being solemn and sardonic as an adult (by Jewish law). But through all these changes, I carried a sense of entitlement through my name.

Even if I was unremarkable, my name would stand out. "Cordelia Diamond," it is a name laden with references to wealth and history, works of literary genius and precious jewels. My name makes me feel smart even in my dullest moments. Actually, I once wanted to change my name to Harriet simply because I admired the wit and intelligence of Harriet the Spy, a character in my favourite book series as a child. What brought on this intense craving for intellectual recognition? From the outside it seems I have a painful case of "inflated ego," and I wont completely deny that. However, I think my name has had a lot to do with how I presented/present myself. I've always felt I had to make my appearance and behavior as dramatic or intelligent as my name implies, and I've grown as a person chasing this image down various rabbit holes. How could I possibly be deserving of such a name? Me, who prefers dreary days to bright ones, who likes to go unnoticed in a crowd, and who would rather be behind the scenes than on the stage? I'd rather not become a porn star just so my name will fit.

 As I grow older I realize the true value of my name, which is one of a kind. No longer do I let my name create my image for me. Instead, I look to my name as a template. With such a commanding name, I see an example of the person I could be, and the person I strive to be. I hope one day to fulfill the expectations of my name- not for my parents, but for myself.